Fake HOA Cops Dragged My Wife Off Our Porch—Didn’t Know She Was CIA and Already Had Backup in Place!
it started like any other Lazy Sunday my wife was sipping her lemon ginger tea I was half reading the paper and half watching a squirrel try to Rob our bird feeder when an unmarked black van screeched to a stop in front of our house like it was in a Michael Bay movie three guys in tactical vests jumped out yelling HOA compliance enforcement as they stormed up the driveway before I could even say what in the neighborhood hell they grabbed my wife off our portch swing and dragged her across the lawn te- mug still in hand but here’s the part that chilled me to the Bone she didn’t scream she didn’t fight she just
looked at me Dead Calm and wink that’s when I realized I had no idea who I’d really married rewind just a bit our neighborhood Pine Grove Estates is the kind of place where people argue over mailbox colors and organize bake sails with military level Precision our local HOA led by by a woman named Karen yes that’s really her name has long treated the neighborhood like her personal dictatorship she once find a $75 for porch clutter because our dog left a toy on the step another time she demanded we ton down our laughter levels during a barbecue I wish I were kidding we always
thought it was just harmless power tripping annoying sure but manageable my wife Liv mostly ignored the h Cho antic she was a calm grounded woman with a green thumb a mysterious past she called just boring office jobs and an uncanny ability to fix anything electronic in under 2 minutes she ran a yoga class for the neighbors and grew heirloom tomatoes like she was born in a greenhouse she also never got rattled not when the power went out not when a raccoon tried to steal her flip-flop and apparently not even when she was dragged into a van by Rogue men pretending to be hooy cop
the second the van doors slammed shut and sped off I kicked into panic mode I called the police the dispatcher listened calmly as I described the kidnapping but when I mentioned the words hoo enforcement her tone shifted sir she said carefully we’ve had reports about impersonators operating in your area I need you to stay where you are what does that mean I snapped I I mean don’t follow them and don’t touch anything officers are on the way now I was sweating impersonators what kind of hooy hires muscle to snatch people from porches I was still replaying Liv’s
Eerie calmness in my mind that wink it wasn’t scared it wasn’t desperate it was premeditated like she wanted to be taken but why I rushed back inside and grabbed my phone to try calling her straight to voice voicemail I texted nothing then I noticed a blinking notification on the corner of our smart home hub one I’d never seen before it simply read Pine protocol activated I tapped it a hidden panel slid open behind the bookshelf in our study I swear I nearly threw my back out jumping away from it inside was a steel case biometric lock already open
there was a slim laptop a small black phone and and a folded envelope with my name in Liv’s handwriting my hands were shaking I opened the letter first if you’re reading this it began I’ve been taken Don’t Panic this is part of the plan part of the plan I wasn’t even part of the plan the letter continued I know this will be a shock but I work for the CIA technically I was retired but Pine grve is part of an ongoing investigation the Hoy is involved in something bigger than you can imagine I’ll explain everything soon but for now trust no one
especially Karen I dropped the letter my knees went weak I had just learned two completely unhinged things my wife was a CIA agent and the HOA wasn’t just full of nosy Busy Bodies it was potentially a front for some kind of operation I turned to the laptop and powered it on it booted instantly into a secure CIA portal no login required it had facial recognition apparently keyed to me a file opened on its own labeled operation hoet I didn’t even want to know why they gave it such a stupid code name but I clicked through the files anyway there were surveillance videos maps of our
neighborhood with Red Pins and dossier on all the HOA board members Karen’s file was the thickest pages of financial transactions travel law to suspicious locations and a weird invoice that showed payment to a private enforcement contractor that had to be the fake cop I flipped through to see that the so-called HOA compliance officers were actually part of a mercenary security group based out of Nevada their website looked legit if you ignored the fact that they didn’t list any clients reviews or even a contact number that’s when I noticed the second file on the
desktop contingency plan Suburban lockdown the moment I clicked on it a live satellite feed popped up centered on our neighborhood I could see the black van turning down a wooded access road behind the clubhouse one that the Hoy had recently closed off for renovations I grabbed the black phone and followed Liv’s instructions from the letter call this number if anything goes wrong I did it rang once then a voice answered Mr Granger uh yes who is this this is mallerie I’m with Liv’s unit she’s safe for now we’ve been tracking
her I’ll send help wait what the hell is going on why is the HOA kidnapping people they’re not just an aoy mallerie said Darkly Karen isn’t who she says she is she’s under deep surveillance for laundering money through Suburban developments and might be connected to a foreign influence ring your wife volunte teared to go undercover here this whole Community is a front my mouth was so dry I could barely speak what do I do I croaked stay put backup is on Route and whatever you do don’t let anyone from the HOA near your house then she hung up I turned around slowly and there was
Karen standing on my front lawn hands clasped politely smile like a shark and two of her fake officers just behind her Mr Granger she called sweetly we need to talk about your wife’s recent violations she wasn’t there to talk and I knew it that’s when I realized this wasn’t about porch clutter anymore this was War I didn’t move I didn’t breathe Karen stood in my yard like she owned it wearing her signature lavender blouse clutching a thick HOA binder like it was the Constitution behind her two of the same
fake officers who who just abducted my wife adjusted their knockoff tactical gear trying to look menacing but I could tell their patches were crooked and one of them had a Nerf dart stuck to his boot it would have been funny if I weren’t so sure they were armed I forced a smile and waved from the window like a confused husband who had no idea his wife was being held in a Suburban bunker Karen gave me a tight little nod and then thankfully turned around and walked away the fake officers trailing her like
bad cosplay as soon as they were out of sight I locked every door in the house and closed the blind my brain was running hot I paced back and forth rereading Liv’s letter as if it would suddenly make more sense CIA Karen tied to foreign influence our quiet little neighborhood affront for some kind of laundering operation and my wife my lemon ginger tea drinking yoga loving wife was in the middle of all of it actually she wasn’t just in the middle she was running it undercover like she was Jason born with better manners back at the hidden terminal I scrolled through the files again the operation ho
net document included a timeline of the mission Liv had embedded herself as a resident over a year ago supposedly retiring from active duty but clearly that retirement was fake her Target was Karen real name Karina vov born in malova came to the States on a student visa stayed under a false identity and gradually inserted herself into various hoo across the country each time the pattern was the same she’d rise to power make aggressive changes and start filtering money through fake fines and shell contractor invoices the money Trail was dense snaking from
neighborhood fees to landscaping companies that didn’t exist then off into offshore account I couldn’t believe it our HOA dues were funding International crime and I’d complained about the pool not having enough umbrellas but what Shook Me most was that Liv had kept this from me so perfectly I mean she’d lived here with me for over a year slept beside me we’d hosted movie night gone camping she never slip not once that comess when she was taken it wasn’t just bravery it was control she knew exact what she was doing the phone buzzed again a new
message from the secure line help is in the neighborhood don’t engage unless you’re forced look for signs they’re watching too I stepped onto the back porch and scanned the yard everything looked normal a few Birds our old hammock swaying in the breeze then I noticed something weird our neighbor Mrs Jensen was watering her plants in the same pattern watering the same bush then the next then circling back she wasn’t gardening she was signaling I waved cautiously she made a quick hand gesture and turned back inside that night under the cover of darkness and way too much caffeine I snuck over to her house Mrs
Jensen opened the door the moment I reached the steps as if she’d been waiting for me get in she said they’re sweeping the neighborhood again in 10 minutes I slipped inside her home looked normal if your definition of normal included floor to ceiling screens showing live feeds of the entire block a desk covered in encrypted radios and a file drawer labeled operation Suburbia Phase 2 you I whispered she smirked I’m part of lives unit code name Shrubbery don’t laugh we all picked plant names I didn’t laugh mostly because I was too
stunned she knew this might happen that they’d try something bold before we got full authorization so when they grabbed her we activated the fail safe you were step one why me because you’re the only one she trusted to stay unpredictable we needed chaos to cover the extraction you were the wild card I didn’t feel like a wild card I felt like a guy who just learned his neighbors were all federal agents and his wife had been lying to him while making homemade granola Mrs Jensen sorry Shrubbery walked me through
the plan the van had taken Liv to the hooy clubhouse which apparently had a full basement renovated under the guise of storm shelter improvements she’d allowed herself to be taken because she had planted a GPS beacon in her sandal her team was triangulating her location but they needed someone inside to disable the clubhouse security grid something live had secretly wired into our own home system when she built the smart upgrade she always said she was just really into Tech I muttered she is into Tech Shrubbery grinned she just
didn’t tell you it was for counterintelligence work I agreed to help mostly because I didn’t want to sit around drinking chamomile while my wife faced a bunch of Rogue ho mercenaries alone Shrubbery gave me a flash drive with a deactivation virus and instructions plug it into the security up link hidden in the shed behind the clubhouse simple enough except the shed was also where Karen’s goons liked to hang out and smoke whatever off-brand cigars they brought in their tactical diaper bag the next morning I acted casual took out the trash waved at Karen
like nothing was wrong she stared me down like a predator eyeing dinner but didn’t approach the shed was within view from our backyard so I waited until late afternoon when the guards wandered off for for what looked like an extended Taco break I sprinted across the alley and ducked behind the Hedge heart pounding so hard I could hear it the shed door was locked but Liv had taught me how to pick basic locks one night over wine and old spy movies I figured she thought it was romantic now I realized it was training inside the shed
I found the Uplink panel hidden beneath a fake lawnmower I jammed in the flash drive waited for the light to turn green then bolted no one saw me or so I thought that night I got a message from Liv a voice recording sent through the secure Channel nice work babe they’re blind now extractions coming soon you did good and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you everything I’ll explain it all when I’m out I promise the message cut off with static I stared at the phone for a long time my wife was CIA my neighbor was a
covert agent the hoi was a front for international criminals and somehow I’d become part of the mission it was surreal but I wasn’t scared anymore if they thought dragging Liv off the porch was going to stop her they had no idea who they were dealing with and if they came back for me well let’s just say I’d hidden more than a few surprises in those smart sprinklers the next morning I woke up to a neighborhood that looked exactly the same as it always did quiet peaceful and painfully unaware that it was Ground Zero for an undercover CIA
operation kids rode scooters someone’s dog barked at a mailbox the air smelled like freshly cut grass and unspoken drama but I knew the truth now and everything looked different every garden gnome every fake rock every for sale sign potential surveillance the HOA Clubhouse with its Stucker walls and pastel banners didn’t look like a criminal Fortress but that was the genius of it who would ever suspect that a community Spirit Center with Bingo Knights and potluck was a cover for an international laundering ring after the
previous night’s success disabling their security grid I got another message from Shrubbery the operation was now greenlit Liv’s extraction was scheduled for that evening and I had a new role I was to rendevu with a few other undercover agents residents I thought were just weird or overly into lawn care and help coordinate from inside the clubhouse the objective was clear we’d be attending the fake monthly HOA budget meeting during which Karen would likely be reviewing fake invoices and laundering logs our goal was to stall her long
enough for Liv’s team to breach From Below through the tunnel system they’d mapped months ago I wasn’t sure which part was crazier the idea of a secret tunnel beneath a yoga studio or the fact that my wife had planned it all I met the other agents at dawn in a garage disguised as a model train Workshop there was Bob the grumpy old man who always yelled at kids to get off his lawn turns out he used to run Black Ops in Berlin then there was Pria the overly enthusiastic dog walker who knew six languages and could Hotwire anything with a fuse and finally George our
mailman who according to Shrubbery had been intercepting suspicious h Joy letters for over a year the whole crew looked like the cast of a sitcom but apparently they were lethal when needed I was the Newbie but they welcomed me with quiet nods and a muffin from George’s thermos lunchbox CIA muffins were surprisingly good we reviewed the plan one last time I’d pose as a concerned homeowner attending the meeting to protest a madeup fine Priya would be seated next to me armed with a flash grenade hidden in her purse disguised as dog treat Bob would be in
the control Booth monitoring internal calms and George would stay on the exterior with eyes on the van we suspected was their escape vehicle meanwhile Liv’s team would use the temporary blackout in the security grid to breach the underground passage and reach the basement where she was being held the entire thing had to happen in Under 12 minutes or the false power reset would kick in and restore surveillance walking into that Clubhouse was surreal Karen greeted everyone at the door all smiles and Pearls her eyes
scanning each person like a TSA agent in Disguise when she saw me she smiled wider like a cat welcoming a mouse to brunch she handed me a printed agenda that was so thick it could have been a phone book glad you’re taking your Civic duties seriously Mr Granger she purred I gritted my teeth and nodded just want to make sure my lawn doesn’t C International incidents she laughed but her eyes narrowed she knew something was off the air inside was tense like the walls themselves knew they were about to be raided the meeting started like any other fake hooy event boring filled with
acronyms no one understood and completely unnecessary PowerPoint slide Karen droned on about water usage fence paint uniformity and a new beautification fee when I raised my my hand to ask why the clubhouse budget included a $14,000 line item for advanced noise management equipment her smile faltered that’s for um Community concert support she lied in the basement I asked that’s when I saw it a flash of recognition in her eyes she knew I knew but she didn’t panic she adjusted that was the scary part just then Priya accidentally dropped her purse first and
as she bent down her eyes met mine we were at the 8-minute Mark Liv’s team had to be close suddenly there was a loud buzzing noise probably part of Bob’s interference plan to temporarily shut down the clubhouse Wi-Fi Karen stiffened this meeting is adjourned she said abruptly and started Gathering her papers too soon she made a move toward the side door but I stepped in front of it leaving so soon I asked trying to sound casual you’re obstructing HOA procedure she said her voice dangerously calm and you’re laundering money through dead lawn services Karina vov her face
dropped that was it the mask was gone she signaled to her men two of them in the room disguised as minutes takers they moved fast pulling pistols from inside their briefcases before they could aim Priya threw the dog treat bag across the floor it exploded in a blinding flash of white and blue light and Chaos erupted people screamed Karen bolted for the emergency exit but George our mailman turn sniper hit the fire door lock remotely trapping her inside and then like clockwork a trapo on the stage floor popped open and Liv rose out of it like an action figure on a mission
she was covered in dirt breathing heavy and holding a stun baton did you miss me she said said to Karen voice cool and Furious Karen lunged but Liv dropped her with a quick jolt from the Baton and a leg sweep that would have made a UFC fighter jealous the rest of the HOA thugs either surrendered or ran straight into George’s net traps outside within minutes federal agents disguised as local landscapers stormed in and began processing the scene the real police were called but only after the CIA had taken what they needed Karen was cuffed
finally speechless as Liv stood over her you should have stuck to finds about garbage bins she said the aftermath was a blur residents peered from their homes as Karen and her fake team were loaded into black SUVs no one had any idea what had really happened only that the hoi had a shakeup the official story was embezzlement and impersonation charges The Unofficial one a CIA Le neighborhood extraction that went on off with only minor smoke inhalation and one sprained ankle that night Liv and I sat on the
porch again the swing creaked just like it used to she looked at me with those same calm eyes I should have told you she said softly you did I replied in your own weird spy wife way she laughed and for the first time in days it felt like things might actually be normal again until of course the replacement HOA president showed up at our door the next morning wearing aviators and carrying a clipboard the clipboard guy introduced himself as Ted he wore boat shoes khakis so crisp they looked ironed by NASA and a polo shirt with a tiny HOA logo embroidered right over his heart
like a badge of honor he claimed he was the interim HOA president appointed by upper HOA management which was hilarious because apparently there was now a whole higher Archy of hooy bureaucracy like it was a Fortune 500 company and not just a bunch of people obsessed with lawn symmetry he smiled like someone who practiced it in the mirror and I could tell right away he wasn’t just here to check fence height he was here to assess the damage not to the neighborhood but to whatever dark operation Karen had
been running Liv stood behind me as Ted explained that the HOA board would be undergoing restructuring and that they be re-evaluating the community standards which sounded innocuous enough until he added particularly concerning homeowner surveillance and protocol adherence that was the line that tipped it he wasn’t new he was a replacement Cog in the same broken machine the same game different face as soon as he left Liv pulled me back inside the house still technically Wired from our previous defensive setup
had picked up a brief radio transmission while Ted had been on our porch it was encrypted short and not from a local police band Shrubbery decoded it 10 minutes later and confirmed what we feared Ted was an HOA he was private sector sent in by one of the shell companies exposed during Karen’s takedown someone high up had decided Pine grve was still valuable and they were sending in a new player to take over the board clean up the mess and try to cover what remained of the operation but this time they weren’t just coming for power they were coming for Revenge
that night Liv called an emergency meeting not of the CIA team but of the actual neighborhood resident the ones who’d been silently watching their hoe fines rise who’d gotten letters about grass shade mismatches and holiday decoration overages the ones who’d lived in fear of Karen and her clipboard cult she figured if the operation was done and her cover blown it was time to let the neighborhood in on what had really been happening or at least a version of it we met in the backyard under the string lights Liv had always said were just for Ambience but were actually
wired with motion sensors and Signal Boosters there were about 20 people Neighbors from all walks of life some old some new some who’d kept to themselves until now Liv stood up on the porch and gave them the cleaned up version the Hoy had been corrupted the new guy wasn’t legit and if we didn’t push back we’d be right back where we started only worse to my surprise they didn’t Panic they got mad old Mr Davis who once filed an actual complaint over the color of someone’s birdhouse stood up and said I knew something was fishy the day Karen
declared war on Windchimes a woman in the back added they tried to find me for painting my front door A Cheerful yellow called it aggressive optimism by the end of the night everyone was ready not for a protest not for a letter writing campaign for a full-on neighborhood Rebellion the next day we began what Liv called phase 4 the home front Uprising it wasn’t a military op but it might as well have been residents started turning their properties into lowkey fortresses one guy with a landscaping business brought in Hedges that doubled as visual Shield someone else who worked in it
rerouted the clubhouse Wi-Fi to Loop fake videos of peaceful meetings just in case anyone was still watching remotely Shrubbery loaned out infrared sensors disguised as garden light even the kids got involved setting up Lookouts and relay codes using their walkie-talkies we rebranded it as a block party for anyone watching from the outside grill smoke filled the air lawn chairs appeared everywhere music played but beneath the surface it was all strategy if Ted or any of his people made a move we’d know instantly then came the ho
board reinstatement ceremony apparently Ted thought it would be fun to hold a formal event in the clubhouse to reunify the community he sent out embossed invitations like he was hosting a royal ball most people are svpd yes but that was part of the plan the day of the ceremony the neighborhood looked like a festival everyone wore their Sunday Best tables lined with food kids playing tag between the rose bushes but everyone had a role inside their purses their jackets their lemonade stands tiny surprises Liv
had rigged several anniversary lanterns to release a visible powder when opened marking whoever passed through a UV detectable Mist the clubhouse door handles had been lightly dusted with temporary ink that would glow under specific wavelength and best of all the podium microphone hot mic connected straight to our private speakers planted around the culdesac Ted stood up at the podium with his smirk and started reciting some ridiculous Preamble about order and integrity then mid-speech he reached under the podium and tapped a
button one that was supposed to Signal someone remotely only instead of sending a silent alert to his people it triggered the sound system Liv had set up which played his own previously recorded voice muttering into a hidden line get ready to move on the targets if they don’t comply people froze Ted’s face went pale he tried to laugh it off claiming it was a prank but it was too late Mr Davis bless his angry little heart stormed up and poured a drink over Ted’s fancy loafers others followed surrounding him phones out questions flying Ted panicked and made a run for
it that’s when the flamingos exploded okay not exploded exactly but those pink plastic flamingos everyone thought were just tachyon Decor they’d been fitted with motion sensors and die canisters when Ted ran through the path lined with them they activated in sequence releasing clouds of pink powder that coated him head to toe like a giant Suburban cotton candy he was coughing slipping and glowing under UV light like a glittery jellyfish his SUV peeled out of the clubhouse parking lot before he could even open the door his driver was
halfway down the block before he jumped in covered in shame and neon diey the footage went viral by Nightfall Liv and I watched it from our porch swing sipping drinks while the neighborhood celebrated with fireworks Shrubbery stopped by with snacks George waved from across the street even Bob cracked a smile which according to Liv was rarer than a lunar eclipse the Hoy had fallen again but this time the neighborhood didn’t need federal agents to fix it they did it themselves and somehow in all the madness it started to feel like home again in the weeks that followed the flamingo Fiasco the neighborhood
slowly returned to something resembling normal well normal for a place where residents had once weaponized lawn ornaments where CIA agent baked banana bread for steakouts and where porch swings doubled as surveillance perches the pink powder eventually washed off the sidewalks though a few spots on the clubhouse still glowed faintly under UV light a quiet reminder of Ted’s Sprint through Suburban Justice no one talked about it openly but you could see it in the way people smiled at each other now like we’d been through something wild together and lived to tell the tale even the squirrels looked more confident
like they knew the balance of power had shifted Karen’s trial began Two Towns over far from Pine grve the charges stacked up like bricks fraud impersonation illegal detainment conspiracy money laundering through shell landscaping companies and operating an unlicensed ho militia I hadn’t even known that last one was a crime category but apparently there’s a subsection 4 Suburban paramilitary enforcement the courtroom was full every day packed with journalists legal experts and an alarming number of HOA
presidents from around the state who came to witness the downfall of one of their own Karen tried to play the victim at first but when the CIA dropped video footage of her giving orders to her fake officers her whole defense crumbled like one of those dry sugar cookies she used to serve at meetings her sentencing is still pending but the rumor is she’s looking at serious time in a white collar facility without access to any kind of committee or clipboard Liv was promoted quietly no Fanfare no medals
just a secure envelope slipped into our mailbox one evening inside was a new ID badge a classified memo and a note that simply read excellent work you’re being reassigned but not far she didn’t say much about it but I noticed the agency sent her a new laptop and a small secure briefcase which she tucked into the back of our linen closet like it was nothing more than an extra towel she told me she’d technically returned to field work oversight but that this was her soft Landing we both knew better Pine Grove
wasn’t a landing it was a Launchpad and me well I got voted in as the new hooy president it wasn’t something I campaigned for but after the community saw me stand up to Karen and Ted they practically shoved the position into my hand at first I thought they were joking I even checked the bylaws to see if someone had slipped in a prank Clause but it was real so I accepted under one condition that we rewrite the entire Charter from scratch starting with a rule that no HOA president may have access to private enforcement teams tactical gear or Flamingo surveillance
privileges that got a standing ovation at the first meeting our first official order of business was was to host a real Community event not a surveillance masquerade or a fake budget meeting but an actual celebration we called it Liberation lawn day everyone brought out their weirdest decorations giant gnomes inflatable dinosaurs led lights shaped like tacos someone even installed a disco ball in their tree we held a barbecue set up games and let the kids vote on the best decorated house no fines no warnings just pure unfiltered Suburban Freedom the winner got a trophy
shaped like a pink flamingo now rebranded as a neighborhood hero Liv watched it all with a strange mix of amusement and quiet Pride I caught her once standing near the clubhouse sipping her drink and smiling to herself like she was watching the final scene of a movie She directed she never claimed credit for any of it she let the community think the takeown of Karen and her her goons had been a lucky coincidence or an overdue Reckoning but a few people knew Shrubbery George Bob and me we knew exactly who had orchestrated the entire downfall from her garden bed and porch swing we even
got a letter from someone high up address to live but delivered in a plain white envelope with no return address inside was a single sentence your neighborhood is now officially marked as neutral ground that was all no signature no agency seal but it meant something Pine grve had become what no other place had managed an actual Safe Haven a clean slate a community unbothered by shadowy organizations Rogue hooy C or Suburban Warfare of course it didn’t last forever one Sunny Saturday about a month after the celebration a moving truck rolled
into the culdesac it stopped in front of the house two doors down the one that had been mysteriously vacant ever since Karen’s Deputy Ron had disappeared mid investigation out stepped a tall woman in mirrored aviators black boots and a trench coat in the middle of Summer She surveyed the neighborhood like she was scanning for thermal signatures then turned to one of the movers and gave instructions in a language I didn’t recognize Liv watched her from the kitchen window and sighed great she muttered that’s Belarusian I raised an
eyebrow just a coincidence Liv Shrugged grabbed a lemon and started zesting it like she hadn’t just implied our new neighbor might be part of an Eastern block intelligence operation we’ll see she said casually maybe she just likes cold weather fashion I nodded slowly should I dig out the flamingos she smirked no not yet but keep the porch swing camera on and that was that no Panic no alarms just a new chapter in whatever Strange Life we’d stumbled into we weren’t just a married couple anymore we were a married couple with a porch that had survived a fake ho coup a rogue CIA op two illegal arrests and one
attempted die based assassination we were a team now fully initiated into the unspoken world of covert neighborhood politics with a flamingo trophy on our mantle and a file folder marked just in case and as we sat on our porch that evening watching the sun dip low over a community finally at peace with kids playing grills sizzling and lawn decorations blinking in offbeat unison we knew that no matter who moved in next or what clipboard They Carried we’d be ready because you can mess with a lot of things in this world but you don’t mess
with our porch
